The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
