watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
