Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
