Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
