just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my being single is dangerous.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
