are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
we're so committed to being not committed
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
