Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
