my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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