After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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