His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
