i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
wakey wakey hands off snakey
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
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you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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