On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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