I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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