I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
