Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
