what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
