what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
