it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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