I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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