were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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