I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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