I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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