You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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