I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
