I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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