I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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