also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
