we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
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I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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