I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
