My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize