marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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