all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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