Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
