i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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