Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
