i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
