I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
