This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
