found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
