based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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