god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
