Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
