WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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