Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
