saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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