Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
