You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?