after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.