The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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