When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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