i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I deserve to be covered in dicks
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
