the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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