I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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