so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
