I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
