sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
